My whole life I have tried to be the best, do my best and considered myself a nice person. Throughout High school I was labelled an achiever and a good girl. Although I tried very hard get away from that image in varsity I soon discovered I actually liked being the good girl. I enjoy spreading joy and living a life aimed at treating people with kindness and encouraging them to do their best. I have recently realised that I have a streak of perfectionism in me that pushes me to want that quality in myself all the time – failure just isn’t an option. With this inside it is incredibly difficult to accept that my “good intentions” could be leading me down a very dangerous path. If something is hard to see, such as your true motives, then you would rather not see it.
A year ago my actions led to my heart being broken and torn into 1000’s of pieces and left two people very close to my heart in the middle of the mess I had created. After coming clean, making drastic but needed decisions, speaking the truth and making a promise to not go down that road again at any cost, my life started again and I could feel the healing begin as I drew near to God. I asked the forgiveness of those involved and then asked God my Father to forgive me over and over. Yet I carried this responsibility and guilt for the damage I had caused with me every day. Let me tell you: for someone who deep down wants to be perfect to have to look in the mirror and see yourself so pitifully flawed is a devastating experience! I have carried this deep sorrow and regret with me for many months and then this year something changed... I started to see the truth before me.
I grew up as a Christian so you can say I have “known” Jesus all my life. Yet for some reason I always felt a distance between us, like I could relate better to God the Father than Jesus. I also always thanked him for dying on the cross but never really understoof how much of a big deal it actually was. I have realised that the WHOLE point of Jesus coming was to forgive. Somehow the huge importance of that seems lost to the world. Forgiveness is everything – our only chance. When you are in the dark depths of guilt: what Jesus did really matters! It is your lifeline to cling to as you make your way back into the light.
So I received his forgiveness but because of my high standards I just couldn’t find it in me to forgive myself. I believed the God had forgiven me but I didn’t deserve it, and that I deserved to punish myself especially since everything was going well in my life but falling apart in one of the affected parties. How could I allow myself to be happy when I had caused so much destruction?
In the New Testament we find Peter asking Jesus how many times one should forgive someone who has wronged you. He asked, “Perhaps 7 times?” Jesus responded rather 70 x 7 times. He then went on to tell the disciples a parable to explain his point better. He describes the kingdom of heaven as a king who wanted the debt owed to him by his servants to be repaid. He called forth a servant and when he couldn’t pay the king ordered the man and his family to be auctioned to the slave market. The slave begged for mercy and the king showed him compassion and erased his debt. The servant was no sooner out the room when a fellow servant who owed him money begged him to give him a chance to pay it back. The first servant showed no compassion and had the second servant thrown in jail. The other servants saw this and told the king. He summoned the first servant and said (Matthew 18:21-33 Message) ’You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn't you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?' The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that's exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn't forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”
This passage has a clear message. That just as your Father in heaven forgives you over and over so too you should forgive those who wrong you. When it comes to my story, being the one in need of forgiveness I see this passage as an answer to freedom. Apart from being forgiven by those I have wronged I realised that I needed to forgive myself. God, the king, had shown me mercy when I crawled to him from the depths of my shame, who was I to think that I couldn’t forgive myself? Was I above God? I was reminded that when I gave my life to God I was bought at a price so in fact I no longer belonged to myself. Not only did I need to receive God’s forgiveness but I needed to show myself mercy and compassion. I belong to God now and I have no right to punish or hurt myself. The consequences of sin are enough and the whole point of Jesus dying for our sins is lost if we can’t be free of our guilt and shame. I realised that God’s mercies are new every morning and that we can start a fresh knowing we are forgiven. He showed me that because we are His we are children of the light and need not grovel in the dark any longer.
It may take a long time for those you hurt to forgive you but once you have repented and asked for forgiveness that is something only they can find in their hearts to do. If you are in need of forgiveness and have lived in shame long enough I encourage you to make things right with those you have hurt. If you have been hurt don’t hold on to the resentment and pain but look to the King, follow His example. If you can’t forgive yourself... let go and realise that ALL fall short and accept God’s grace and forgiveness without holding onto your mistakes. Forgiveness makes you want to run outside in the rain and dance and spin in circles on the grass! It is the greatest gift to give and the most liberating one to receive. So forgive 70 x 7 times - therein lies true freedom.
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